It’s Mother’s Day. The one day I thought I would be celebrating with my wife an our little, thanking God for our family. Instead I will be working. I will be seeing my own mother today and give her extra love…I just have a very heavy heart. The month of May is a really rough one. Aside from Mother’s Day, it’s also the month we lost Samuel. I haven’t quite processed that it’s almost been a full year. I have been avoiding it since the miscarriage. I’ve been avoiding a lot of things since then actually. But not anymore. Starting today, on Mother’s Day, I’m going to make a change.
Motherhood on my heart
We went to church back on Easter and ever since then God has been poking me. It’s really annoying because He won’t leave me alone! So with Him not leaving me alone, I finally asked “What??”. He said nothing. At first, I was angry. Why bug me and then say nothing?? And then I felt this warm peace just pour over me, head to feet. It has been YEARS since I have allowed that feeling (I’ve been very upset with God…so I pushed Him far from me). I felt like I needed to open my Bible to 1 Samuel and just read. So I did just that.
Dude. I’ve read this story so many times as a kid. I always said “I want a son so I can have a Samuel too!”. If only I knew what was coming…it’s crazy! Anyway, I’m reading this story and I feel my spirit stirring. My belly is HOT. I feel this woman’s pain. I feel it so hard, I’m not sure how to handle it. I re-read chapters 1 and 2 probably 4 times, just amazed how I totally missed this. Yes, the priest thought Hannah was drunk. But she was drunk off pain, not alcohol. I’ve been drunk off both due to losing our Samuel. So I get it. What I didn’t get was how Hannah just kept praying. She never stopped. And kept pushing and going and one day,
the remembered her plea,
I instantly realized that God was speaking to me. Motherhood is something that we both want and long for. But we kinda just stopped praying and asking for the opportunity…depression is a serious thing and sometimes it’ll just suck you in and not let go. Why are we not leaning into Him? If the Lord can remember Hannah in the Bible, He can and will remember us. We just have to push through. This is the change I’m vowing to make. I am pushing through. I refuse to let my depression run my life. I also refuse to push my feelings aside and pretend they don’t exist. It’s not healthy for me, my wife or anyone around us. I’m making a change for motherhood.
I am praying for you mamas out there especially hard today. Today will be hard for everyone that has lost a mother, grandmother, aunt or those who have heavenly children. Making a change does not mean today isn’t hard for me too. Just please do myself and YOU a favor and spend some time with your loved ones who are not here. Feel those emotions but do not let it run you. Feel it but then move forward and do something with love! You especially need love today!