Nightmare

Nightmare

Waking up Thursday to go to our ultrasound greeted me with so much anxiety. Being 4 weeks pregnant and getting an ultrasound might sound strange but we gotta make sure our baby doesn’t implant in the wrong spot! Typically after having an ectopic, you get ultrasounds until they confirm there is implantation in the uterus. My poor wife was having PTSD while we walked back to the ultrasound room. Last time we were here, we had our world shattered. The ultrasound tech started and as we figured, couldn’t see anything BUT she did say she knows somethings happening! “Your uterine walls are nice and thick!” she kept saying. We leave, satisfied. Danielle goes home, and I go off to work.

I get an email from Parints about my blood work from the day before. They like to keep an eye on HCG levels and progesterone levels during the first week. The blood work absolutely devastated me. On Monday, my HCG level was 11, which is low but I’m also testing earlier than most people do. Wednesday’s blood test show I dropped to a 6. Anything 5 or below is considered a negative. Typically, your HCG levels will double every day…dropping levels indicate a miscarriage of pregnancy. Friday’s blood work showed I was at a 2. Officially lost the baby.

There’s something to be said about the pain you experience after a loss. Especially after another loss. It feels like all we do is experience loss. Whether it’s ours, our friends and family around us. Miscarriages and pregnancy difficulties are happening too frequently…how can we stop this from happening? Please, keep us in your thoughts and prayers while we process this. The hurt we are experiencing is really tough.

🖤

Mommy’s Guardian Angel

Mommy’s Guardian Angel

Hello there, friends!

Hello! I’m gonna start off by introducing myself! My name is Hannah Layman. I currently reside in Imperial, MO with my wife, Danielle, and our puppy, Luna. My wife and I have been together for a total of 3 years and we recently got married on October 28, 2017. See photo below. Que the “awwws” I know I know…we are CUTE!!!! And that whole day was AMAZING! Don’t worry, I’ll have a whole blog about my wedding day for those of you who are getting married!

She is one amazing woman and I am so blessed to be able to call her my best friend, my wife and the mother of our children.

Ok, so the reason I wanted to start this blog is to help women like me get through life. Personal struggles, painful stories and some romantic bliss…I’ll be covering it all. So if you want me to write an essay about any topic, please email me! I’ll leave all of my social media contact at the bottom of the blog!

Let’s rock and roll!

So I’m gonna start off with an extremely raw, personal story. I want you, the reader, to feel included and if you’ve ever been through something like this, I want to help you! So be prepared, this is a lengthy one and it’s a sad one. Here we go;

Back in April 2018, my wife and I went to PARINTS for a scheduled procedure called IUI. Now IUI is where they take sperm and insert it in through the cervix and towards the ovary in hopes of getting pregnant. Well fast forward, the pregnancy test is POSITIVE!!! Happy dance!!! We were over the moon, already planning what the holidays would be like, how our lives were gonna change…EVERYTHING!!! Excited and nervous and happy…all of the emotions! And yes we told practically everyone…got a little too excited! One thing about Danielle and I is we get way excited and we talk a lot…and we talk LOUD!!!! You have been warned in advance now! So we went through the process, call the doctor, set up the appointment, yada yada blah blah blah. Ok great ultrasound is set for 8 weeks. Perfect. I can get use to being pregnant and try to find my niche. Well at the appointment life turned upside down. We had an ectopic pregnancy. Our baby attached to my right Fallopian tube instead of the uterus. The chances of the baby and I surviving this is 0%. We had to have our child removed. Of course we are devastated! No one wants that. So the next day I had to go to Mercy Hospital for a shot that will “dissolve” the pregnancy. Well after waiting for 2 hours watching all of these happy pregnant families walking around, it was my turn. Walked part a room where you could hear the heart beats of all of those little unborn children. My heart cracked. They did a second ultrasound on me just to be sure. Turns out, I need surgery and not a shot. The baby was too big to be dissolved. So after my immediate melt down and panic attack, I’m wheeled away to start the pre-op stuff. Get into surgery about 2 hours later and woke up…not pregnant. The weirdest feeling. I have felt numb and empty before but not like this at all. This was different and cold. My wife, bless her heart, told me that my right Fallopian tube burst and I was bleeding out before they cut me open and I almost died. So I ended up losing my Fallopian tube and my baby. Talk about a crazy Friday! I didn’t know how to process or handle anything and I think I just spaced out for a full week.

Now…the aftermath hasn’t been easy at all. Going through post-partum depression without a child is hard. You have nothing to hold or look at that makes it worth it. Therapy, support groups, antidepressants, yoga, distractions at work…nothing helps. My wife, god LOVE HER, has been my biggest support through all of this. We both agreed that we needed to give this baby a name and we agreed with Samuel. In the Bible, Hannah has a son named Samuel and she gave him back to God as a promise. I just feel some kind of connection with that story. It’s appropriate.

What can you do?

Honestly? Just be there. I have a great support system of friends and family around me during the rough times. You don’t have to say a word. Words don’t always bring comfort for the person you’re consoling. Sometimes just coffee in silence is enough. The mama that goes through this, needs healing and of course the healing process is a long and slow one. It’s not something you can get over in a day or a week or a month or a year. It sticks with you. So if you are wanting to help, just be there for her. Ask her what she needs, make her a playlist to listen to. I’ll add my go to playlist at the bottom of the blog. Remember, it’s important to be there for your friend going through something like this but it needs to be on her terms. And don’t ever tell her to get over it or move on. That’s insensitive. She’s still a mama and that was her child. She loves that child with her whole heart!

Well that’s it on my very first blog! A little raw, a little sad and a little personal but I feel like there are other mamas who need to hear this and know you’re not alone! We are a tribe of women and we all have love for you and your angel baby!

Please email me if you have any questions or if you personally need help or someone to talk to, I am here!

Hairbyhannahlayman@gmail.com

Please follow me on social media!!!

instagram.com/themoshingmama

https://open.spotify.com/user/hannah.elizabeth1841/playlist/6nS1tUYsHoeQjMB7TCgaIo?si=obLIx6ohSA6lkb2GUPXGiQ