I Am A Mother

I Am A Mother

I’ve been told plenty of times that I’m not a real mom yet, or my personal favorite “you wouldn’t understand, you’re not a mom”. First of all, thanks for the reminder that my child has passed away before I got to know him. Second, they are wrong. I was pregnant with a child who had a heartbeat at the time of my surgery. A living child. Who, unfortunately, got stuck in my fallopian tube and it started a domino effect that could’ve lead to my death. He died the moment we were separated. Waking up from that surgery and feeling no life inside me…the worst moment for me. And that moment lives with me daily. Every time I wake up, I wish for some form of life inside me. Do not tell me I am not a mother. Yes, I may not have the experience of raising a child (another painful reminder) but I’ve been paying attention to the parents around me and the way I was raised, and I know how I want to raise my children in the future. I am still a mother. My child just lives in Heaven.

I’ve never talked about this next part, except to my wife. It’s strange and you may not believe it but I truly believe it. I am a part of a private, spiritual group on facebook and I talked about Samuel this 1 time. Just explained that I lost my child due to an ectopic pregnancy and I hope that this child knows I love them. I didn’t use any pronouns or his name because I don’t know these people and the last thing I need is to be preyed on. This woman sent me a private message and started talking about my boy. My mind is swirling. How can she know that my child was a son? Maybe she found my blog and reads it? Nope, she got PERSONAL! She told me that my son is always around me in spirit and that the little voice I heard for weeks after losing him was in fact him trying to tell me he loves me and he knows I love him. I broke down. No one knows about that part of my experience. For weeks, I kept hearing this voice of a child, maybe 3 or 4 years old and this child was a boy and he kept saying “mommy”. It messed with me and still does to this day. Anyway, I know shes not full of smoke because again…how could she know that I heard this voice? She and I talked a little more about how even though my son isn’t here physically, I am still his mother. And no one gets the power to take that away from me.
How powerful is that? No one gets the power to take that away from me. From anyone! I’ll be the first to admit, part of the reason I stopped blogging is because I was told too many times that my pregnancy didn’t count or that I am not a mother or that I don’t understand. I gave too many people, including those close to me, that power to tell me. I’m DONE with all that! I understand that some people may not understand what I’ve been through or what anyone who has experienced pregnancy loss has been through, but who gives them the right to tell us any different? Just something to think about from both perspectives.

*Update*
I had mentioned in my last blog I would let you all know what my decision is for IVF. We absolutely will be doing IVF this year, just after my 30th birthday in September. My body has been through hell with all the hormones and heartbreak over the past almost 2 years. I need to take care of my body better. Also we need to save up some money for a couple of rounds just in case it doesn’t take in the first round. I still want to be pregnant now but I know my body and I know I need to be in the best place and shape possible before I can get pregnant again.
I recently started seeing a new psychiatrist who specializes in pregnancy loss. She put me on Lamictol just last week and I already can tell a difference. It’s so awesome!I still have my manic moments but they are not nearly as bad as they have been. The depression is pretty much managed. And the best part is I can continue to take this while I’m pregnant! A lot of weight is off my shoulders because of this medication. Mental health, check. Next is physical health!

Grief and Anniversaries

Grief and Anniversaries

Grief is so strange. It hits you when you least expect it and it doesnt hit you when you want it. When it actually hits you, it spills over onto so many different things and people. It’s been a year. 365 days. I haven’t quite wrapped my mind around it yet and I’m not sure I’m going to. I feel like within the past year, I have grieved more than just the loss of our child. I lost myself, I lost people I once considered friends and family and I feel like I’ve caused my wife to lose her happiness…the amount of emotions is weighing on me. I’ve laid in bed all month just lost in thought. Remembering that day and how deep that hurt was. Trying to understand why us?

Thinking back to that whole week, I remember this constant sound in my head. Just on repeat, “Mommy?” I know…super creepy. I couldn’t get this out of my head no matter what I tried. I dreamt it even! I felt haunted. But one day it just stopped. Silence. I could not handle it. I lost my mind in grief. Dee was at work so I only had Luna sitting in front of me, licking my tears away. Or the time I was playing a video game about a week after we lost Samuel, and I couldn’t even get out of the menu screen without falling to pieces. Or the time I was making a schedule for the week of Thanksgiving and going into a panic attack for no reason. Had to call my doctor to get some meds filled. Grief hit me in such weird ways and on random days. I was once told by another mother who lost her son, “It’s not the actual day that brings grief; it’s the week leading up to the event that causes it”. Until this week, I didn’t understand what she meant. My pain is there and I acknowledge it. I feel it and I feel it very hard.

I must say, the love and support we’ve received from our friends and family have been amazing! You guys have gotten us through so much this year, I don’t know where we would be with you! We love you and thank you! 🖤

Mothers Day

Mothers Day

It’s Mother’s Day. The one day I thought I would be celebrating with my wife an our little, thanking God for our family. Instead I will be working. I will be seeing my own mother today and give her extra love…I just have a very heavy heart. The month of May is a really rough one. Aside from Mother’s Day, it’s also the month we lost Samuel. I haven’t quite processed that it’s almost been a full year. I have been avoiding it since the miscarriage. I’ve been avoiding a lot of things since then actually. But not anymore. Starting today, on Mother’s Day, I’m going to make a change.

Motherhood on my heart

We went to church back on Easter and ever since then God has been poking me. It’s really annoying because He won’t leave me alone! So with Him not leaving me alone, I finally asked “What??”. He said nothing. At first, I was angry. Why bug me and then say nothing?? And then I felt this warm peace just pour over me, head to feet. It has been YEARS since I have allowed that feeling (I’ve been very upset with God…so I pushed Him far from me). I felt like I needed to open my Bible to 1 Samuel and just read. So I did just that.

Dude. I’ve read this story so many times as a kid. I always said “I want a son so I can have a Samuel too!”. If only I knew what was coming…it’s crazy! Anyway, I’m reading this story and I feel my spirit stirring. My belly is HOT. I feel this woman’s pain. I feel it so hard, I’m not sure how to handle it. I re-read chapters 1 and 2 probably 4 times, just amazed how I totally missed this. Yes, the priest thought Hannah was drunk. But she was drunk off pain, not alcohol. I’ve been drunk off both due to losing our Samuel. So I get it. What I didn’t get was how Hannah just kept praying. She never stopped. And kept pushing and going and one day,

the Lord remembered her plea,

I instantly realized that God was speaking to me. Motherhood is something that we both want and long for. But we kinda just stopped praying and asking for the opportunity…depression is a serious thing and sometimes it’ll just suck you in and not let go. Why are we not leaning into Him? If the Lord can remember Hannah in the Bible, He can and will remember us. We just have to push through. This is the change I’m vowing to make. I am pushing through. I refuse to let my depression run my life. I also refuse to push my feelings aside and pretend they don’t exist. It’s not healthy for me, my wife or anyone around us. I’m making a change for motherhood.

I am praying for you mamas out there especially hard today. Today will be hard for everyone that has lost a mother, grandmother, aunt or those who have heavenly children. Making a change does not mean today isn’t hard for me too. Just please do myself and YOU a favor and spend some time with your loved ones who are not here. Feel those emotions but do not let it run you. Feel it but then move forward and do something with love! You especially need love today!

🖤

Nightmare

Nightmare

Waking up Thursday to go to our ultrasound greeted me with so much anxiety. Being 4 weeks pregnant and getting an ultrasound might sound strange but we gotta make sure our baby doesn’t implant in the wrong spot! Typically after having an ectopic, you get ultrasounds until they confirm there is implantation in the uterus. My poor wife was having PTSD while we walked back to the ultrasound room. Last time we were here, we had our world shattered. The ultrasound tech started and as we figured, couldn’t see anything BUT she did say she knows somethings happening! “Your uterine walls are nice and thick!” she kept saying. We leave, satisfied. Danielle goes home, and I go off to work.

I get an email from Parints about my blood work from the day before. They like to keep an eye on HCG levels and progesterone levels during the first week. The blood work absolutely devastated me. On Monday, my HCG level was 11, which is low but I’m also testing earlier than most people do. Wednesday’s blood test show I dropped to a 6. Anything 5 or below is considered a negative. Typically, your HCG levels will double every day…dropping levels indicate a miscarriage of pregnancy. Friday’s blood work showed I was at a 2. Officially lost the baby.

There’s something to be said about the pain you experience after a loss. Especially after another loss. It feels like all we do is experience loss. Whether it’s ours, our friends and family around us. Miscarriages and pregnancy difficulties are happening too frequently…how can we stop this from happening? Please, keep us in your thoughts and prayers while we process this. The hurt we are experiencing is really tough.

🖤

Being Open

Being Open

I was listening to a podcast the other day about Pregnancy and Postpartum and something really stuck out to me. Daniela Kende, who is a holistic health coach and natural birthing expert, was talking about how she was completely open about her pregnancy early on. She said “I’m being open because if for some reason I lost the baby, I need support from people around me”. That really stuck with my wife and I. We’ve been so quiet about the possibilities since we lost Samuel because we didn’t want to hurt anymore than necessary. It makes sense; no one knows so it can’t hurt right? Until someone asks that dreaded question of “When are you two gonna have kids?”. I really hate that question, to be honest. It’s one thing to have a conversation about children and the possibility to have them and what the plans are but to just come out and say “when is it happening?” or “Isn’t it time you guys had kids?”. It’s just rude to ask like that. There are other ways you can bring up the topic without ignorance.

So our plan was to stay quiet until we hit 12 weeks, like most parents after a loss. After that podcast, it just left me thinking. I know a lot of people have come to know about our loss and have felt sympathy towards the situation. Forever grateful for you all who have stuck by our side and did all the wonderful gift drop offs and pre-made dinners and flowers, etc. The love was unreal. Let us pay it back by telling you all about the journey we are on! We have made the decision to be incredibly open about our journey from here on out!

Round 3…

Let me back up. It’s January 17, 2019 and we started the process for our little number 2 on January 15th. I went to Parints and had a vaginal ultrasound on day 3 of my cycle (it’s never my favorite day…), just to see if my body is having a good cycle to try again. To my surprise, my ovaries had 35 visible follicles on each side!!! That’s like quadruple the amount from last time! I’ve completed 1 of 2 blood work appointments this week and started taking my clomid and let me tell you…I HATE clomid! Its like hormonal torture and it feels like the 2nd longest week ever!!! I’m laying in bed and my ankles are on fire! Yes, I worked today BUT it’s not my entire foot…it’s the ankles. In reflexology, the ankles are connected to your sexual organs. When you’re about to start your cycle, about to give birth or like me, taking fertility medicine, your ankles swell up more! (Look at them next time Aunt Flo comes to visit! You’ll see what I mean!). January 24th, we had the IUI done. Jen, our IUI nurse, tells me to start taking progesterone 3 days later. I start taking those and I feel…nothing. Hormones are crazy as usual, it’s just something I’ve come to understand and deal with. But that feeling of “Omg I’m definitely pregnant” isn’t there. And there’s a reason; I wasn’t pregnant. Started my cycle and my heart broke a bit. But nevertheless, I pushed forward. We went in the following month and my left ovary wasn’t producing big enough follicles. And since I do not have a right tube, it’s a gamble because then we would have to hope that the left tube could swing over to the right ovary and collect the eggs. Too risky when you’re paying over $1,100 every time. So we had to push it back to March. My heart was so heavy. I just want to be a mom to a living child. Is that too much to ask??

Round 3 started March 13th with clomid…and of course I’m trying to remain perfectly calm, cool and collected. This round was a little difficult for me. I felt very stressed out and very spacey. I actually forgot like 3 days and have no memory of them. I have yet to find out if it’s related to clomid being administered so much.

March 23rd, we went in for an ultrasound and that pesky left side is FINALLY getting large enough follicles! We were told that Monday March 25th was our IUI day! Danielle gave me the trigger shot that night. It’s cold, thick and burns every time I get it done. The one thing this whole process has opened my eyes to is that fertility treatments are anything but fun! We go in that Monday morning and this IUI procedure was very similar to the first round when we got pregnant with Samuel. It wasn’t easy and it was actually painful and uncomfortable. Did I go home afterwards? No…we went and bought a new car instead! We figured well we’ve been relaxed every time…let’s try something different. Let’s just go about our day like nothing big has happened!

2 Week Wait.

April 8th is our test date. I’m a little nervous but that’s to be expected. Lots of “what if’s” floating around the brain. Trying to limit the amount of stress is a lot harder than necessary right now, which is why I tend to become a hermit and recluse inside the safety of my own home and lock the doors. We are down to 1 week left until we know for sure if I’m pregnant. I’m not going to say if I feel like it or not because I can never tell. It’s either a baby implanting or a fart! Won’t be 100% sure until that test pops a “Positive”. And if it doesn’t, I’m not gonna lie or sugar coat it, I’m gonna be really friggin upset. It’s a very tiring job, physically, hormonally and emotionally. I know the moms out there who have been down this road understand what I mean. My favorite quote to describe this feeling comes from Bilbo Baggins in Lord Of The Rings. He’s explaining how he feels since he received the Ring and he said “I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread”. I feel like my brain is stretched so thin.

Just keep us in your thoughts, vibes, prayers and crystal circles while we continue this journey. I will be posting another blog next week to inform you guys of what that test says! Fingers crossed for a “Positive”! Thanks for letting me be open!

🖤

Sperm Shopping 🛒

Sperm Shopping 🛒

Sperm Shopping

Yes…you read that correctly. Sperm shopping. Did you know there are websites out there where you can look at a PDF of a man biological makeup without ever seeing a picture of him? Build a baby basically! Let me back up; when you are seeing an infertility specialist, you have to pick out sperm UNLESS you have a husband and then they can just use his. In our case, we have to pick someone because…well…obviously! So I’m at work and get a text message that says “We should go sperm shopping tonight!” Will we pick the gentleman who looks like Will Smith/Derrick Rose or the one who looks like Rick Fox?! Both have plenty of characteristics that we both love! Athletics are the most important for Danielle and for myself…if they are smart, that’s all that matters to me! Our children will have plenty of my attributes added and I’m just saying…our household will never be a boring place…and our children will be divas.

I’m gonna go through and explain the process of IUI and how it benefits infertility and same sex couples.

Consultation and Conception

So we use a company called Parints. They are based in St. Louis and are the most amazing women we have ever met! We love them like family! So typically you go in and have a consultation about your health history, why you wanna have a family, etc. Then they tell you the prices and how the process works. Typically you have to have blood work done, wait until the first day of your period and order that sperm you’ve been shopping for! Then you get ultrasounds and more blood work. I hate getting blood drawn and after the amount I needed, I felt like I was seeing a vampire! Once your ovulation date is determined, you get a shot to help with conception, 48 hours before your insemination date. Lots of waiting and anxiety during this time. On THE day, you go in. No turning back once you walk into the room. Kind of a weird feeling for first timers. I know I felt very excited and also extremely scared! This moment is going to change my life! The room is super comfortable. Kinda like a cozy, little bedroom but there’s an ultrasound machine right next to the bed.

Now the next part kinda sucks. It’s very uncomfortable. Think about going to your OBGYN and they use that tool that helps open up your vagina to examine you. Well she uses that and takes this very long syringe up through your cervix towards your ovaries! It was like a small scratching sensation on the inside. It wasn’t my favorite part at all. She then pushes all of the semen through the syringe and boom your done. Time to wait upside down for 20 minutes.

Normally, when you’re having heterosexual sex, semen has to travel through your cervix and try to get to your ovaries before they start to die off. That’s a long journey. IUI cuts about 80% of that journey off by going straight to the ovary! Speedy delivery if you will. The whole process takes 3 minutes. It’s super quick and then, like I said before, you have to wait 20 mins upside down. Gravity isn’t always our friend so it’s best to work with it in a way!

TWW

The TWW is “Two Week Wait”. You have to wait a full 14 days from the insemination date to see if your pregnant. It was the longest wait in my LIFE!!!! Did we wait the full 2 weeks? No…and that’s when we found out why you have to wait. It’ll say “negative” regardless of if you are or not. You have to wait for your HCG levels (human chorionic gonadotrophin levels…pregnancy hormones) to peak above a 6. And normally they won’t show up until week 2. Try to ease your mind during that time. Find a show on Netflix that has your 100% attention, learn to mediate, go for a walk (walking and exercise is good for you during this time), keep as calm and collected as possible. I know when I’m about to start again (I will not be informing when…that’s a secret 🤫) I will be binge watching Downton Abbey on Amazon Prime for the hundredth time, read more books and meditating….my usual hygge practice.

The Unthinkable

Now, the only thing that you do need to keep an eye out for is bleeding. If your period comes before you’re able to test…It hurts and it’s not what you wanted, mama. But you need to lean on your support system during this time so you can heal! I have a wonderful client and now friend who went through 3 different attempts to get pregnant! She shared her story with me for you guys!

The first time I was scheduled for insemination I was nervous because I really didn’t expect it to work but I was still hopeful that it would 🙂 When I found out that it didn’t, it wasn’t terrible but it was still a little crushing. After the second time didn’t work, I started questioning if it was ever going to. I know that some women try for years and I was wondering if that was going to be my journey. The company started talking to me about testing options if the third time didn’t work. There would be certain tests that they would want to do just to make sure that we weren’t doing these procedures for no reason if I wasn’t able to get pregnant. This made me quite nervous but still super hopeful going into the third round. When I found out that the third round took I was just amazed and felt so blessed. Then this brought on a whole new set of nerves.

Melissa is currently pregnant with TWINS!!!!! Her little princesses are such a blessing to her and they have no idea the amount of love they will receive from her!!!

Bleeding is typically a normal thing for pregnancy. It means that your little has attached to you! Which is a great feeling…but it’s also nerve wrecking because it could mean anything else…miscarriage, ectopic, etc. The last story I’m going to share with you is a tragic and beautiful story of hope. My friend Brittany has had her share of troubles. This is her story:

The story of our loss-

After trying to convince for just over 3 years, my husband and I were thrilled to find out we were pregnant on September 22, 2017. The excitement and joy were overwhelming. We were lucky enough to know at 12 weeks that we would be having a boy. Everything seemed to be going great. We were all set to go to our 20 week anatomy scan on December 21, 2017. My husband and I waited patiently for the ultrasound technician to tell us how our little peanut was doing.

When she stepped out of the room ‘to speak with the doctor’ my heart filled with worry.

When the doctor and technician returned, the doctor told us that no heartbeat could be found. We had lost our son.

We were told to take our time, go home to pack a bag, and return to labor and delivery.

We returned that evening to deliver our sleeping angel. I was induced from 7pm December 21st- December 23rd at 3pm.

Our son was born on December 23rd, 2017 at 5:27 pm. My husband’s birthday is 5/27. For a moment my heart smiled. We spent the next 15 hours with our baby. It was the most difficult thing either of us have ever experienced in life.

6 months later, I became pregnant again.

I am now 10 weeks away from meeting our daughter. I am filled with joy, excitement, fear, and every other emotion know to mankind.

I share this story hoping that other angel moms and dads continue to have hope.

If you keep your spirits high, like the sun in the sky on a rainy day, there is a rainbow after every storm.

Pass the tissues please. Mamas, do not give up hope!!! Keep as calm as possible, pray, meditate, do whatever you have to do! If you are having trouble getting pregnant, you are not alone. If you’ve lost 1, 2, 5 or 7 babies, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Keep calm also and surround yourself with a support system! Join Facebook groups, follow instagram pages, look into support group meetings in your local city! Yes, we are living in a world where pregnancy is held up on this pedestal where nothing bad happens…but that’s not the case. We have sisters out there and we are not alone!

So sorry it’s taken so long to post this one!!! Please make sure you sign up for emails so you get the blogs directly to your inbox! Also, follow me on Instagram! Love you mamas! 💋

2019

2019

Happy New Years, friends!

We finally made it through 2018! Talk about a ridiculous year! I feel like this year has taught us all so many things; good and bad. I’m gonna keep this a brief as possible so you can continue with your activities! I want to know what 2018 has taught you, what you survived, and how you’re going to make 2019 an even better year! So comment below or write me an email and tell me about your year! I’ll list a few things 2018 has taught me and then I’ll list what I hope to achieve in 2019!

What did this year teach me?

Well for starters, it was eye opening on many aspects. I had my first year as a married woman and that alone taught me patience and kindness. I had those things before, but marriage is hard especially after going through trauma. I was introduced to falling in love with my child. Even though he was taken from me, he has taught me things I never knew about myself. I have learned to take care of myself, physically, mentally and spiritually. I have begun to learn to let things I cannot control go. I have also learned to look for the joy in life during sadness and anger.

2019

I hope this year I learn and grow more. Even if that growing means I find out a way to keep my aloe plants from constantly dying! (I’ve seriously killed 3 aloe plants and cannot figure out why!) I have a few things I want to establish this year and I would like to share them with you:

Starting a family!

Yes, we will be trying again this new year! With lots of good vibes, prayers, vibrations and whatever else you can give to someone, we will try this process again. Now I will not be disclosing WHEN but I will be posting a blog at some point about the actual process of IUI! It’s actually pretty cool how they do it!

Certified Yoga Instructor

I would love to find time, before or after baby, to get my YTT 200. Yoga has helped me through a lot this year and I want to be able to help others through yoga. Plus, as a hair stylist, it helps me physically throughout the long days!

Read more books.

Less Facebook, more real books! I’m tired of constantly scrolling through the same new feeds, and politics and some of the most annoying ads on the planet. This year, I hope to get lost in the pages of books. I use to read a lot as a child and it gave me the ability to escape but also helped my imagination. (Harry Potter will forever be my go to when I’m sad and need to escape for a bit. The Wizarding World is just incredible!)

That’s it. Simple list. But all attainable. I hope you all have a phenomenal night and great new year! Please be safe out there if you are going to parties. It’s going to be rainy and cold all day here in St. Louis, MO. Be sure to sign up for emails so when I post a new blog, it goes directly to your inbox and SHARE with your friends!!! I’ll be doing some updating on this website until the middle of January so I will not be back writing until then. But in the mean time, read, write to me if you need help with anything and share with your friends going through hard times.

Happy New Year!

XOXO

Mommy’s Guardian Angel

Mommy’s Guardian Angel

Hello there, friends!

Hello! I’m gonna start off by introducing myself! My name is Hannah Layman. I currently reside in Imperial, MO with my wife, Danielle, and our puppy, Luna. My wife and I have been together for a total of 3 years and we recently got married on October 28, 2017. See photo below. Que the “awwws” I know I know…we are CUTE!!!! And that whole day was AMAZING! Don’t worry, I’ll have a whole blog about my wedding day for those of you who are getting married!

She is one amazing woman and I am so blessed to be able to call her my best friend, my wife and the mother of our children.

Ok, so the reason I wanted to start this blog is to help women like me get through life. Personal struggles, painful stories and some romantic bliss…I’ll be covering it all. So if you want me to write an essay about any topic, please email me! I’ll leave all of my social media contact at the bottom of the blog!

Let’s rock and roll!

So I’m gonna start off with an extremely raw, personal story. I want you, the reader, to feel included and if you’ve ever been through something like this, I want to help you! So be prepared, this is a lengthy one and it’s a sad one. Here we go;

Back in April 2018, my wife and I went to PARINTS for a scheduled procedure called IUI. Now IUI is where they take sperm and insert it in through the cervix and towards the ovary in hopes of getting pregnant. Well fast forward, the pregnancy test is POSITIVE!!! Happy dance!!! We were over the moon, already planning what the holidays would be like, how our lives were gonna change…EVERYTHING!!! Excited and nervous and happy…all of the emotions! And yes we told practically everyone…got a little too excited! One thing about Danielle and I is we get way excited and we talk a lot…and we talk LOUD!!!! You have been warned in advance now! So we went through the process, call the doctor, set up the appointment, yada yada blah blah blah. Ok great ultrasound is set for 8 weeks. Perfect. I can get use to being pregnant and try to find my niche. Well at the appointment life turned upside down. We had an ectopic pregnancy. Our baby attached to my right Fallopian tube instead of the uterus. The chances of the baby and I surviving this is 0%. We had to have our child removed. Of course we are devastated! No one wants that. So the next day I had to go to Mercy Hospital for a shot that will “dissolve” the pregnancy. Well after waiting for 2 hours watching all of these happy pregnant families walking around, it was my turn. Walked part a room where you could hear the heart beats of all of those little unborn children. My heart cracked. They did a second ultrasound on me just to be sure. Turns out, I need surgery and not a shot. The baby was too big to be dissolved. So after my immediate melt down and panic attack, I’m wheeled away to start the pre-op stuff. Get into surgery about 2 hours later and woke up…not pregnant. The weirdest feeling. I have felt numb and empty before but not like this at all. This was different and cold. My wife, bless her heart, told me that my right Fallopian tube burst and I was bleeding out before they cut me open and I almost died. So I ended up losing my Fallopian tube and my baby. Talk about a crazy Friday! I didn’t know how to process or handle anything and I think I just spaced out for a full week.

Now…the aftermath hasn’t been easy at all. Going through post-partum depression without a child is hard. You have nothing to hold or look at that makes it worth it. Therapy, support groups, antidepressants, yoga, distractions at work…nothing helps. My wife, god LOVE HER, has been my biggest support through all of this. We both agreed that we needed to give this baby a name and we agreed with Samuel. In the Bible, Hannah has a son named Samuel and she gave him back to God as a promise. I just feel some kind of connection with that story. It’s appropriate.

What can you do?

Honestly? Just be there. I have a great support system of friends and family around me during the rough times. You don’t have to say a word. Words don’t always bring comfort for the person you’re consoling. Sometimes just coffee in silence is enough. The mama that goes through this, needs healing and of course the healing process is a long and slow one. It’s not something you can get over in a day or a week or a month or a year. It sticks with you. So if you are wanting to help, just be there for her. Ask her what she needs, make her a playlist to listen to. I’ll add my go to playlist at the bottom of the blog. Remember, it’s important to be there for your friend going through something like this but it needs to be on her terms. And don’t ever tell her to get over it or move on. That’s insensitive. She’s still a mama and that was her child. She loves that child with her whole heart!

Well that’s it on my very first blog! A little raw, a little sad and a little personal but I feel like there are other mamas who need to hear this and know you’re not alone! We are a tribe of women and we all have love for you and your angel baby!

Please email me if you have any questions or if you personally need help or someone to talk to, I am here!

Hairbyhannahlayman@gmail.com

Please follow me on social media!!!

instagram.com/themoshingmama

https://open.spotify.com/user/hannah.elizabeth1841/playlist/6nS1tUYsHoeQjMB7TCgaIo?si=obLIx6ohSA6lkb2GUPXGiQ