2019

2019

Happy New Years, friends!

We finally made it through 2018! Talk about a ridiculous year! I feel like this year has taught us all so many things; good and bad. I’m gonna keep this a brief as possible so you can continue with your activities! I want to know what 2018 has taught you, what you survived, and how you’re going to make 2019 an even better year! So comment below or write me an email and tell me about your year! I’ll list a few things 2018 has taught me and then I’ll list what I hope to achieve in 2019!

What did this year teach me?

Well for starters, it was eye opening on many aspects. I had my first year as a married woman and that alone taught me patience and kindness. I had those things before, but marriage is hard especially after going through trauma. I was introduced to falling in love with my child. Even though he was taken from me, he has taught me things I never knew about myself. I have learned to take care of myself, physically, mentally and spiritually. I have begun to learn to let things I cannot control go. I have also learned to look for the joy in life during sadness and anger.

2019

I hope this year I learn and grow more. Even if that growing means I find out a way to keep my aloe plants from constantly dying! (I’ve seriously killed 3 aloe plants and cannot figure out why!) I have a few things I want to establish this year and I would like to share them with you:

Starting a family!

Yes, we will be trying again this new year! With lots of good vibes, prayers, vibrations and whatever else you can give to someone, we will try this process again. Now I will not be disclosing WHEN but I will be posting a blog at some point about the actual process of IUI! It’s actually pretty cool how they do it!

Certified Yoga Instructor

I would love to find time, before or after baby, to get my YTT 200. Yoga has helped me through a lot this year and I want to be able to help others through yoga. Plus, as a hair stylist, it helps me physically throughout the long days!

Read more books.

Less Facebook, more real books! I’m tired of constantly scrolling through the same new feeds, and politics and some of the most annoying ads on the planet. This year, I hope to get lost in the pages of books. I use to read a lot as a child and it gave me the ability to escape but also helped my imagination. (Harry Potter will forever be my go to when I’m sad and need to escape for a bit. The Wizarding World is just incredible!)

That’s it. Simple list. But all attainable. I hope you all have a phenomenal night and great new year! Please be safe out there if you are going to parties. It’s going to be rainy and cold all day here in St. Louis, MO. Be sure to sign up for emails so when I post a new blog, it goes directly to your inbox and SHARE with your friends!!! I’ll be doing some updating on this website until the middle of January so I will not be back writing until then. But in the mean time, read, write to me if you need help with anything and share with your friends going through hard times.

Happy New Year!

XOXO

Holidays and Hard Days

Holidays and Hard Days

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays…

Hello my friends! I hope you are having a wonderful Christmas and that your heart is full, warm and and happy! I’m struggling this holiday BIG TIME! With the due date quickly approaching, all I can think about is “Well I could’ve had my water break now…or even last week…”. It’s this torturous cycle of sadness, anger, anxiety and then optimism. What in the actual hell? Can I just have 2 emotions; happy or sad? Everything else is really unnecessary

I have recently discovered that my body is acting SUPER weird. I get random belly aches and sharp pains, hip pains and joint pains. I lost my right fallopian tube in surgery and I get super intense pains just on that side. I read somewhere that your body can still react as if you’re having a baby. Kinda like a phantom pain? Super weird considering I’ve never given birth to a child before and I have no idea what it feel likes…so why is my body acting this way? A week from the due date? Clearly my body is confused and that makes my emotions go even crazier. So many unanswered questions flying around in my head. And I manage to keep a smile on my face in public…so many of us are so confused and just exhausted from trying to function in society. And the honest truth is…holidays are the worst. I’m learning to be gentle with myself during this time frame. One thing that has surprisingly helped was a prayer I said to our son. I wrote it out one day and kept it on my phone just so I could read it when I needed to. I want to share with you a little piece of my feelings so I’m posting my prayer right down there ⬇️. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and if you know someone going through a loss of any kind, check in on them. Today might not be a joyous for them.

Much love 🖤

Dear Samuel,

Merry Christmas my little angel!

December 31, 2018 you were to be born into this world. You would’ve been born into love, a family, a home. But unfortunately, we only had you for a few weeks. You had a heartbeat, I could feel you, I fell in love with you instantly. You gave me a whole new reason to live and a drive to be a better person. The hurt and pain I felt when I woke up and you were gone, I couldn’t stop thinking I hurt you. I abandoned you. I couldn’t protect you. I tried to give you life, and I failed you.

Your mother and I love you more than you will ever know. Even while we are grieving, we feel your presence with us. We see you in the clouds, we feel you in the wind, we hear you in a song. We long for you to be with us especially during this time. So close to the day you were suppose to be born.

We know you are in heaven with Jesus, some of our friends, your 4 legged brother and both of your great grandpas and great grandma. We hope you love them as much as they love you. Keep watch over us little one. We will see you one day!

Love always,

Your mommies xoxo

Mommy’s Guardian Angel

Mommy’s Guardian Angel

Hello there, friends!

Hello! I’m gonna start off by introducing myself! My name is Hannah Layman. I currently reside in Imperial, MO with my wife, Danielle, and our puppy, Luna. My wife and I have been together for a total of 3 years and we recently got married on October 28, 2017. See photo below. Que the “awwws” I know I know…we are CUTE!!!! And that whole day was AMAZING! Don’t worry, I’ll have a whole blog about my wedding day for those of you who are getting married!

She is one amazing woman and I am so blessed to be able to call her my best friend, my wife and the mother of our children.

Ok, so the reason I wanted to start this blog is to help women like me get through life. Personal struggles, painful stories and some romantic bliss…I’ll be covering it all. So if you want me to write an essay about any topic, please email me! I’ll leave all of my social media contact at the bottom of the blog!

Let’s rock and roll!

So I’m gonna start off with an extremely raw, personal story. I want you, the reader, to feel included and if you’ve ever been through something like this, I want to help you! So be prepared, this is a lengthy one and it’s a sad one. Here we go;

Back in April 2018, my wife and I went to PARINTS for a scheduled procedure called IUI. Now IUI is where they take sperm and insert it in through the cervix and towards the ovary in hopes of getting pregnant. Well fast forward, the pregnancy test is POSITIVE!!! Happy dance!!! We were over the moon, already planning what the holidays would be like, how our lives were gonna change…EVERYTHING!!! Excited and nervous and happy…all of the emotions! And yes we told practically everyone…got a little too excited! One thing about Danielle and I is we get way excited and we talk a lot…and we talk LOUD!!!! You have been warned in advance now! So we went through the process, call the doctor, set up the appointment, yada yada blah blah blah. Ok great ultrasound is set for 8 weeks. Perfect. I can get use to being pregnant and try to find my niche. Well at the appointment life turned upside down. We had an ectopic pregnancy. Our baby attached to my right Fallopian tube instead of the uterus. The chances of the baby and I surviving this is 0%. We had to have our child removed. Of course we are devastated! No one wants that. So the next day I had to go to Mercy Hospital for a shot that will “dissolve” the pregnancy. Well after waiting for 2 hours watching all of these happy pregnant families walking around, it was my turn. Walked part a room where you could hear the heart beats of all of those little unborn children. My heart cracked. They did a second ultrasound on me just to be sure. Turns out, I need surgery and not a shot. The baby was too big to be dissolved. So after my immediate melt down and panic attack, I’m wheeled away to start the pre-op stuff. Get into surgery about 2 hours later and woke up…not pregnant. The weirdest feeling. I have felt numb and empty before but not like this at all. This was different and cold. My wife, bless her heart, told me that my right Fallopian tube burst and I was bleeding out before they cut me open and I almost died. So I ended up losing my Fallopian tube and my baby. Talk about a crazy Friday! I didn’t know how to process or handle anything and I think I just spaced out for a full week.

Now…the aftermath hasn’t been easy at all. Going through post-partum depression without a child is hard. You have nothing to hold or look at that makes it worth it. Therapy, support groups, antidepressants, yoga, distractions at work…nothing helps. My wife, god LOVE HER, has been my biggest support through all of this. We both agreed that we needed to give this baby a name and we agreed with Samuel. In the Bible, Hannah has a son named Samuel and she gave him back to God as a promise. I just feel some kind of connection with that story. It’s appropriate.

What can you do?

Honestly? Just be there. I have a great support system of friends and family around me during the rough times. You don’t have to say a word. Words don’t always bring comfort for the person you’re consoling. Sometimes just coffee in silence is enough. The mama that goes through this, needs healing and of course the healing process is a long and slow one. It’s not something you can get over in a day or a week or a month or a year. It sticks with you. So if you are wanting to help, just be there for her. Ask her what she needs, make her a playlist to listen to. I’ll add my go to playlist at the bottom of the blog. Remember, it’s important to be there for your friend going through something like this but it needs to be on her terms. And don’t ever tell her to get over it or move on. That’s insensitive. She’s still a mama and that was her child. She loves that child with her whole heart!

Well that’s it on my very first blog! A little raw, a little sad and a little personal but I feel like there are other mamas who need to hear this and know you’re not alone! We are a tribe of women and we all have love for you and your angel baby!

Please email me if you have any questions or if you personally need help or someone to talk to, I am here!

Hairbyhannahlayman@gmail.com

Please follow me on social media!!!

instagram.com/themoshingmama

https://open.spotify.com/user/hannah.elizabeth1841/playlist/6nS1tUYsHoeQjMB7TCgaIo?si=obLIx6ohSA6lkb2GUPXGiQ