Lack of Sleep and Sanity

Lack of Sleep and Sanity

I miss sleeping so much

Guys, I have not slept through the night in I don’t know how long. On average, I think we are at 4 hours a night. And it’s always disturbed 3-4 times a night. I decided maybe it’s my bipolar disorder and I need to control that. I am tired of feeling this way. I call my doctor and she starts me on Vraylar and says to report back in a week. No big deal right? Well there are good things and bad things with this. The good news is I feel like it’s helping my depression, but the bad news is my mania is out of control even more now! And my sleeping or lack-there-of has gotten WORSE! I can’t seem to settle down enough to actually relax and forget everything. I call her this week so I’m hoping we can figure something out. I can feel myself unraveling due to lack of sleep and I really don’t think that’s how medicine for bipolar disorder should work. They say it takes a few years to find the proper medication combo for bipolar disorder because it’s not the same in everyone. Everyone has a different trigger and a different response to situations. I wish this mental illness came with a handbook at least. It’s such a draining, terrifying, sad disorder. Even lack of sleep aside, I’m tired 100% of the time. Being a stay at home puppy mom has been helping with that portion because I don’t have to fake a good day for 8 hours straight. I can pour that energy into something different. Lately it’s been making shirts and hoodies, painting, music (playing and listening).

Parints Ultrasound

I had another doctors appointment in December. It’s come to my attention that IUI isn’t going to be an option for us and IVF is it. My wife has a great job and all but we don’t have $15,000 laying around. A complete, devastating blow. We go home and watched the snow fall, trying to stay positive but that’s draining. Our best friend, Nathanial stayed with us during the snowpocolypse os 2019 and he and Dee worked from home. I just wanna brag for a moment about Nathanial. He’s one if the most genuine, sweet, kind hearted, selfless, most beautiful man I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. And I am forever grateful for his friendship and love that he pours into our lives. He went onto their jobs benefits page and discovered that they have a program that helps you pay for IVF and it’s affordable! There’s a lot to it and I was so shocked hearing about it, I tuned out for a moment but the short version is they pay 90% and we pay 10% at maximum. So if IVF is $15,000, we are responsible for $1,500! How amazing is that?! A true blessing! We are still talking about what we want to do. Part of me wants to continue to work on me and my mental health and really truly heal from everything before I can pour my whole self into my child. But I’m not 100% sure yet. It changes daily. I know I’ll end up waiting though. Gotta save that money up in case we gotta pay for a random drug that’s not covered. The biggest excitement for me is the DECREASE of chances of having another ectopic pregnancy!!! Click here to see how that’s possible. That’s been my biggest fear is I’ll have another ectopic and go through all that again. I’m not sure my heart could handle it, to be completely honest. I will of course post about more about my decision as I finally make up my mind.

🖤

Happy Holidays…?

Happy Holidays…?

Holly Jolly crap

I have had a really stressful November. We got all moved into our new home, went and visited my dad and family in Aurora, Colorado and managed to come home, finish unpacking and decorating for every day life AND went ahead and decorated for Christmas. As you guys know by now, I am a busy person. When I’m not busy, I feel like I’m wasting opportunities. Well…let me tell you what happened the week before Thanksgiving and the week of:

I had an ultrasound appointment set up to make sure that my left ovary was prepared to drop an egg! I always am prepared for the worst but hope for the best. At this point in the journey, that’s really all you can do. I go in, and they checked and OF COURSE I’m ovulating on my right side instead of the left. I feel so defeated and like I failed again. The entire ride home was a nightmare. I kept thinking all these different scenarios and what-ifs while stuck on highway 270 rush hour traffic. Not the best place to be…and I just wanna cry. But I’m not gonna cry because, ya know, I’m a strong woman. I bottle it up and just push forward, like always. We had some sewer repairs done the next day and it wasn’t completed until the following Monday. So I’m starting to stress because we host Friendsgiving every year and I only have a few days to put my floor back together! And I’m running out of time! I wake up that Wednesday and start out by attempting to put the floor back together. The cement was poured 3/4 of an inch too high and now my boards won’t fit. And I have a party starting in 7 hours. Full panic attack. I’m crying, I can’t breathe, my floor is messed up, my body is a piece of shit, we have a party to host, we are not ready. My brain will not stop. Below…is a picture I took of myself in the middle of this panic attack:

It’s not my most glamorous photo but this is me, raw. 2 hours of a panic attack that I could not come out of. This is who hides behind the mask of happiness and care-free. This is Hannah.

I recently posted on Facebook a long status explaining my hurt and how living with bipolar disorder is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to live with. It’s taken me 2 weeks to post this because I’m not a vulnerable person. I have my guard up and I have my walls built thick. I have been hurt far too much in my life…and it’s time to be a little more open about it all. You all have been so sweet with your words of encouragement and thoughts and prayers. They mean so much to me. I am working on myself everyday to pull myself out of this funk. It’ll happen…it just might be after the holidays. And that’s ok.

Hiatus

Hiatus

photo of orange yellow and red hello molding clay

New Phone, Who Dis?

Hey guys! It’s been a minute! Got a lot to cover so sit tight! The last time I wrote, we were preparing to take a much needed vacation to Florida to see my dads side of the family. Seeing family, hearing the ocean and even feeling the waves bitch-slap me across my chest and face before being dragged under…I survived. The Air BNB we stayed at was super cute! Minutes away from the beach, the owner was this super cool chick who gave us a little history on the house we were staying in. It’s haunted by the lady who use to live there and her children! Slightly terrifying but also slightly cool. You could hear little feet running up above us in an area that doesn’t have guests stay! When we got home at the end of the week, I was ready to start the process over. I felt good, I was a little nervous but excited. We went in, everything looked good…and it didn’t take. That’s when the depression really started. I started really hating going to the salon. I loved the girls and my clients and what I could do for them but there was also this deep rooted hatred and I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I started to think about the girls in my former salon and how there was a lot of hurt and anger there that never really healed and that became a focal point for me. I turned back into this monster I was the year before and my anger started to really spiral out of control. I hated who I was becoming; crying most nights after a shift at work, being exhausted all the time, my passion had fizzled out. After a very trying and emotional day in the salon, I decided to end my career. Maybe not forever, but I absolutely needed a mental health re-evaluation. My wife was the one who truly made the decision because I couldn’t make that decision. Since I was 14, I’ve had a job or 2. I’ve never been unemployed. The thought terrified me. But I knew, deep down, I needed a break if I was going to be trying for a family again. (I did however babysat for a little boy for a few months and he brought some joy into my life when I needed it!)

We had already agreed we would try again the following month of August…I wasn’t exactly excited because so far everything has been met with defeat. We go in and I FINALLY ovulated on my left side!! This is what we have been waiting for since I lost my right tube the year before!!! We come out of the room, super happy about this news…to find out I ovulated 4 days before and we missed our opportunity. They also noticed something in my ultrasound that didn’t look normal. They had noticed a little dot on the ultrasound back in January but it was so small, it had no significance. So no worries. Well according to the ultrasound tech, it had grown over 1 centimeter since my ultrasound in July. That’s concerning.

My OBGYN got me in as soon as he could for a few samples and tests and ultrasounds. At my follow up appointment, he told me I had a polyp and it needed to be removed before we continued the process. My face was just my normal RBF and expresses no emotion, but on the inside I’m rolling my eyes and screaming “WHYYYYY???” I hate surgery. I don’t like going to sleep and not remembering when I fell asleep and then waking up somewhere else. And in pain. The last time I felt that, I also woke up not pregnant anymore and my heart just burst all over again. Worst part? I have no choice. We want children so badly, I can’t not have the surgery. We set the date for the following month and then had a random hair up our butts and decided to sell the house. Because why the hell not??? We like to live in chaos and fly by the seat of our pants. Currently packing up our house and we move out in 3 days! Very exciting and very stressful but we are surviving this! I have a follow up appointment from my surgery in the morning. I have no concerns since they didn’t call me in earlier or anything. There’s always a chance but I have a good feeling about it.

That’s it. My life since May! I promise, I won’t leave y’all hanging like that again. I wasn’t feeling myself and I can’t write and not be myself. So stay tuned! I’m back and writing again!

Grief and Anniversaries

Grief and Anniversaries

Grief is so strange. It hits you when you least expect it and it doesnt hit you when you want it. When it actually hits you, it spills over onto so many different things and people. It’s been a year. 365 days. I haven’t quite wrapped my mind around it yet and I’m not sure I’m going to. I feel like within the past year, I have grieved more than just the loss of our child. I lost myself, I lost people I once considered friends and family and I feel like I’ve caused my wife to lose her happiness…the amount of emotions is weighing on me. I’ve laid in bed all month just lost in thought. Remembering that day and how deep that hurt was. Trying to understand why us?

Thinking back to that whole week, I remember this constant sound in my head. Just on repeat, “Mommy?” I know…super creepy. I couldn’t get this out of my head no matter what I tried. I dreamt it even! I felt haunted. But one day it just stopped. Silence. I could not handle it. I lost my mind in grief. Dee was at work so I only had Luna sitting in front of me, licking my tears away. Or the time I was playing a video game about a week after we lost Samuel, and I couldn’t even get out of the menu screen without falling to pieces. Or the time I was making a schedule for the week of Thanksgiving and going into a panic attack for no reason. Had to call my doctor to get some meds filled. Grief hit me in such weird ways and on random days. I was once told by another mother who lost her son, “It’s not the actual day that brings grief; it’s the week leading up to the event that causes it”. Until this week, I didn’t understand what she meant. My pain is there and I acknowledge it. I feel it and I feel it very hard.

I must say, the love and support we’ve received from our friends and family have been amazing! You guys have gotten us through so much this year, I don’t know where we would be with you! We love you and thank you! 🖤

Mothers Day

Mothers Day

It’s Mother’s Day. The one day I thought I would be celebrating with my wife an our little, thanking God for our family. Instead I will be working. I will be seeing my own mother today and give her extra love…I just have a very heavy heart. The month of May is a really rough one. Aside from Mother’s Day, it’s also the month we lost Samuel. I haven’t quite processed that it’s almost been a full year. I have been avoiding it since the miscarriage. I’ve been avoiding a lot of things since then actually. But not anymore. Starting today, on Mother’s Day, I’m going to make a change.

Motherhood on my heart

We went to church back on Easter and ever since then God has been poking me. It’s really annoying because He won’t leave me alone! So with Him not leaving me alone, I finally asked “What??”. He said nothing. At first, I was angry. Why bug me and then say nothing?? And then I felt this warm peace just pour over me, head to feet. It has been YEARS since I have allowed that feeling (I’ve been very upset with God…so I pushed Him far from me). I felt like I needed to open my Bible to 1 Samuel and just read. So I did just that.

Dude. I’ve read this story so many times as a kid. I always said “I want a son so I can have a Samuel too!”. If only I knew what was coming…it’s crazy! Anyway, I’m reading this story and I feel my spirit stirring. My belly is HOT. I feel this woman’s pain. I feel it so hard, I’m not sure how to handle it. I re-read chapters 1 and 2 probably 4 times, just amazed how I totally missed this. Yes, the priest thought Hannah was drunk. But she was drunk off pain, not alcohol. I’ve been drunk off both due to losing our Samuel. So I get it. What I didn’t get was how Hannah just kept praying. She never stopped. And kept pushing and going and one day,

the Lord remembered her plea,

I instantly realized that God was speaking to me. Motherhood is something that we both want and long for. But we kinda just stopped praying and asking for the opportunity…depression is a serious thing and sometimes it’ll just suck you in and not let go. Why are we not leaning into Him? If the Lord can remember Hannah in the Bible, He can and will remember us. We just have to push through. This is the change I’m vowing to make. I am pushing through. I refuse to let my depression run my life. I also refuse to push my feelings aside and pretend they don’t exist. It’s not healthy for me, my wife or anyone around us. I’m making a change for motherhood.

I am praying for you mamas out there especially hard today. Today will be hard for everyone that has lost a mother, grandmother, aunt or those who have heavenly children. Making a change does not mean today isn’t hard for me too. Just please do myself and YOU a favor and spend some time with your loved ones who are not here. Feel those emotions but do not let it run you. Feel it but then move forward and do something with love! You especially need love today!

🖤

Turning On The Light

Turning On The Light

albus qoute

 

The past few weeks have been exhausting. Experiencing everything from high anxiety to anger, uninterested to overthinking, etc. Attempting to be the happiest human in the world and smile daily is exhausting and quite annoying to be honest. I just wanna break down and have this massive melt down but I can’t. I haven’t fully grieved this loss. I have been very “busy”  by expanding my  reading list, making wreaths and trying to figure out what do I do now? The idea of trying again hurts my heart so much. And the idea of not hurts even more. I wake up daily, sick to my stomach. Knowing that twice now, I have to wake up without life inside of me. I haven’t adjusted yet and to be honest, I’m not sure I’ll ever adjust. I’ve lost interest in so many things that I enjoy doing; yoga, meditation, learning to play the guitar, etc. I just want an easy escape from this world and I cannot find it. If you’ve ever read Harry Potter or seen the movies, you’ll understand what I’m feeling; In Order Of The Phoenix, Professor Snape has to teach Harry how to block Voldemort from reading his mind, see his past and his present, Harry has a very hard time keeping both Snape and Voldemort out of his mind. It starts to drive him crazy and makes him very irritable. The constant battle of keeping someone out of your mind is exhausting. That is a daily battle I currently face. Scrolling through Facebook, seeing more and more pregnancy announcements and family photos with children…walking through Target and seeing a mother and daughter shopping. No matter how hard I try to keep these thoughts from flooding my mind…I can’t stop them. Unlike Harry though, I have the option to take a break. Being able to actually sit down and breathe without a laundry list of things I should or should not be doing…sounds lazy but Lord…I need it. Since January, I’ve taken hormones and gotten off them. My blood has been drawn too many times, the amount of ultrasounds and the pressing and the poking and the prodding…I feel more like an animal about to be butchered than a mother to be…

I know that in the end it will all be worth it. I know this. My wife knows this. My mental health is probably the most important thing right this moment. Already being bipolar and dealing with my “normal” brain on top of the up and downs that come with trying to conceive and having some troubles isn’t going to help. I feel like a break is the answer for right now. Once we return from our Florida trip in June, we will figure it out from there. I’m just tired of feeling pain and torment constantly and never getting relief from it. I’m searching for my light…once I find it, It’ll burn so brightly! I can only hope! 

Nightmare

Nightmare

Waking up Thursday to go to our ultrasound greeted me with so much anxiety. Being 4 weeks pregnant and getting an ultrasound might sound strange but we gotta make sure our baby doesn’t implant in the wrong spot! Typically after having an ectopic, you get ultrasounds until they confirm there is implantation in the uterus. My poor wife was having PTSD while we walked back to the ultrasound room. Last time we were here, we had our world shattered. The ultrasound tech started and as we figured, couldn’t see anything BUT she did say she knows somethings happening! “Your uterine walls are nice and thick!” she kept saying. We leave, satisfied. Danielle goes home, and I go off to work.

I get an email from Parints about my blood work from the day before. They like to keep an eye on HCG levels and progesterone levels during the first week. The blood work absolutely devastated me. On Monday, my HCG level was 11, which is low but I’m also testing earlier than most people do. Wednesday’s blood test show I dropped to a 6. Anything 5 or below is considered a negative. Typically, your HCG levels will double every day…dropping levels indicate a miscarriage of pregnancy. Friday’s blood work showed I was at a 2. Officially lost the baby.

There’s something to be said about the pain you experience after a loss. Especially after another loss. It feels like all we do is experience loss. Whether it’s ours, our friends and family around us. Miscarriages and pregnancy difficulties are happening too frequently…how can we stop this from happening? Please, keep us in your thoughts and prayers while we process this. The hurt we are experiencing is really tough.

🖤

Testing Day Anxiety

Testing Day Anxiety

I have been an absolute nervous wreck all week! I cannot stop my brain for going into overdrive! “Was that normal?” “Why do my boobs hurt so much?” “Am I pregnant or just gassy?” It’s a never ending cycle. I keep looking at the clock or my period tracker app…and a lot of peeing. Is it because I’m staying hydrated? Or am I pregnant? Or is it the progesterone? My boobs hurt so much, I feel like my nipples could shatter into tiny little pieces! And the nauseas unreal! I’ve been through this a few times and the first time was because I was pregnant with Samuel. The second was all progesterone and I wasn’t pregnant. So what do you do in this situation? You don’t wanna get your hopes up but you also don’t want to be completely void of emotions and feelings of attachment. I woke up this morning super early and super anxious. I took a test…and well third times a charm! We will find out more this week! Just stick with me! Thanks for checking in on me! Your support means everything to me! 🖤

Being Open

Being Open

I was listening to a podcast the other day about Pregnancy and Postpartum and something really stuck out to me. Daniela Kende, who is a holistic health coach and natural birthing expert, was talking about how she was completely open about her pregnancy early on. She said “I’m being open because if for some reason I lost the baby, I need support from people around me”. That really stuck with my wife and I. We’ve been so quiet about the possibilities since we lost Samuel because we didn’t want to hurt anymore than necessary. It makes sense; no one knows so it can’t hurt right? Until someone asks that dreaded question of “When are you two gonna have kids?”. I really hate that question, to be honest. It’s one thing to have a conversation about children and the possibility to have them and what the plans are but to just come out and say “when is it happening?” or “Isn’t it time you guys had kids?”. It’s just rude to ask like that. There are other ways you can bring up the topic without ignorance.

So our plan was to stay quiet until we hit 12 weeks, like most parents after a loss. After that podcast, it just left me thinking. I know a lot of people have come to know about our loss and have felt sympathy towards the situation. Forever grateful for you all who have stuck by our side and did all the wonderful gift drop offs and pre-made dinners and flowers, etc. The love was unreal. Let us pay it back by telling you all about the journey we are on! We have made the decision to be incredibly open about our journey from here on out!

Round 3…

Let me back up. It’s January 17, 2019 and we started the process for our little number 2 on January 15th. I went to Parints and had a vaginal ultrasound on day 3 of my cycle (it’s never my favorite day…), just to see if my body is having a good cycle to try again. To my surprise, my ovaries had 35 visible follicles on each side!!! That’s like quadruple the amount from last time! I’ve completed 1 of 2 blood work appointments this week and started taking my clomid and let me tell you…I HATE clomid! Its like hormonal torture and it feels like the 2nd longest week ever!!! I’m laying in bed and my ankles are on fire! Yes, I worked today BUT it’s not my entire foot…it’s the ankles. In reflexology, the ankles are connected to your sexual organs. When you’re about to start your cycle, about to give birth or like me, taking fertility medicine, your ankles swell up more! (Look at them next time Aunt Flo comes to visit! You’ll see what I mean!). January 24th, we had the IUI done. Jen, our IUI nurse, tells me to start taking progesterone 3 days later. I start taking those and I feel…nothing. Hormones are crazy as usual, it’s just something I’ve come to understand and deal with. But that feeling of “Omg I’m definitely pregnant” isn’t there. And there’s a reason; I wasn’t pregnant. Started my cycle and my heart broke a bit. But nevertheless, I pushed forward. We went in the following month and my left ovary wasn’t producing big enough follicles. And since I do not have a right tube, it’s a gamble because then we would have to hope that the left tube could swing over to the right ovary and collect the eggs. Too risky when you’re paying over $1,100 every time. So we had to push it back to March. My heart was so heavy. I just want to be a mom to a living child. Is that too much to ask??

Round 3 started March 13th with clomid…and of course I’m trying to remain perfectly calm, cool and collected. This round was a little difficult for me. I felt very stressed out and very spacey. I actually forgot like 3 days and have no memory of them. I have yet to find out if it’s related to clomid being administered so much.

March 23rd, we went in for an ultrasound and that pesky left side is FINALLY getting large enough follicles! We were told that Monday March 25th was our IUI day! Danielle gave me the trigger shot that night. It’s cold, thick and burns every time I get it done. The one thing this whole process has opened my eyes to is that fertility treatments are anything but fun! We go in that Monday morning and this IUI procedure was very similar to the first round when we got pregnant with Samuel. It wasn’t easy and it was actually painful and uncomfortable. Did I go home afterwards? No…we went and bought a new car instead! We figured well we’ve been relaxed every time…let’s try something different. Let’s just go about our day like nothing big has happened!

2 Week Wait.

April 8th is our test date. I’m a little nervous but that’s to be expected. Lots of “what if’s” floating around the brain. Trying to limit the amount of stress is a lot harder than necessary right now, which is why I tend to become a hermit and recluse inside the safety of my own home and lock the doors. We are down to 1 week left until we know for sure if I’m pregnant. I’m not going to say if I feel like it or not because I can never tell. It’s either a baby implanting or a fart! Won’t be 100% sure until that test pops a “Positive”. And if it doesn’t, I’m not gonna lie or sugar coat it, I’m gonna be really friggin upset. It’s a very tiring job, physically, hormonally and emotionally. I know the moms out there who have been down this road understand what I mean. My favorite quote to describe this feeling comes from Bilbo Baggins in Lord Of The Rings. He’s explaining how he feels since he received the Ring and he said “I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread”. I feel like my brain is stretched so thin.

Just keep us in your thoughts, vibes, prayers and crystal circles while we continue this journey. I will be posting another blog next week to inform you guys of what that test says! Fingers crossed for a “Positive”! Thanks for letting me be open!

🖤

Sperm Shopping 🛒

Sperm Shopping 🛒

Sperm Shopping

Yes…you read that correctly. Sperm shopping. Did you know there are websites out there where you can look at a PDF of a man biological makeup without ever seeing a picture of him? Build a baby basically! Let me back up; when you are seeing an infertility specialist, you have to pick out sperm UNLESS you have a husband and then they can just use his. In our case, we have to pick someone because…well…obviously! So I’m at work and get a text message that says “We should go sperm shopping tonight!” Will we pick the gentleman who looks like Will Smith/Derrick Rose or the one who looks like Rick Fox?! Both have plenty of characteristics that we both love! Athletics are the most important for Danielle and for myself…if they are smart, that’s all that matters to me! Our children will have plenty of my attributes added and I’m just saying…our household will never be a boring place…and our children will be divas.

I’m gonna go through and explain the process of IUI and how it benefits infertility and same sex couples.

Consultation and Conception

So we use a company called Parints. They are based in St. Louis and are the most amazing women we have ever met! We love them like family! So typically you go in and have a consultation about your health history, why you wanna have a family, etc. Then they tell you the prices and how the process works. Typically you have to have blood work done, wait until the first day of your period and order that sperm you’ve been shopping for! Then you get ultrasounds and more blood work. I hate getting blood drawn and after the amount I needed, I felt like I was seeing a vampire! Once your ovulation date is determined, you get a shot to help with conception, 48 hours before your insemination date. Lots of waiting and anxiety during this time. On THE day, you go in. No turning back once you walk into the room. Kind of a weird feeling for first timers. I know I felt very excited and also extremely scared! This moment is going to change my life! The room is super comfortable. Kinda like a cozy, little bedroom but there’s an ultrasound machine right next to the bed.

Now the next part kinda sucks. It’s very uncomfortable. Think about going to your OBGYN and they use that tool that helps open up your vagina to examine you. Well she uses that and takes this very long syringe up through your cervix towards your ovaries! It was like a small scratching sensation on the inside. It wasn’t my favorite part at all. She then pushes all of the semen through the syringe and boom your done. Time to wait upside down for 20 minutes.

Normally, when you’re having heterosexual sex, semen has to travel through your cervix and try to get to your ovaries before they start to die off. That’s a long journey. IUI cuts about 80% of that journey off by going straight to the ovary! Speedy delivery if you will. The whole process takes 3 minutes. It’s super quick and then, like I said before, you have to wait 20 mins upside down. Gravity isn’t always our friend so it’s best to work with it in a way!

TWW

The TWW is “Two Week Wait”. You have to wait a full 14 days from the insemination date to see if your pregnant. It was the longest wait in my LIFE!!!! Did we wait the full 2 weeks? No…and that’s when we found out why you have to wait. It’ll say “negative” regardless of if you are or not. You have to wait for your HCG levels (human chorionic gonadotrophin levels…pregnancy hormones) to peak above a 6. And normally they won’t show up until week 2. Try to ease your mind during that time. Find a show on Netflix that has your 100% attention, learn to mediate, go for a walk (walking and exercise is good for you during this time), keep as calm and collected as possible. I know when I’m about to start again (I will not be informing when…that’s a secret 🤫) I will be binge watching Downton Abbey on Amazon Prime for the hundredth time, read more books and meditating….my usual hygge practice.

The Unthinkable

Now, the only thing that you do need to keep an eye out for is bleeding. If your period comes before you’re able to test…It hurts and it’s not what you wanted, mama. But you need to lean on your support system during this time so you can heal! I have a wonderful client and now friend who went through 3 different attempts to get pregnant! She shared her story with me for you guys!

The first time I was scheduled for insemination I was nervous because I really didn’t expect it to work but I was still hopeful that it would 🙂 When I found out that it didn’t, it wasn’t terrible but it was still a little crushing. After the second time didn’t work, I started questioning if it was ever going to. I know that some women try for years and I was wondering if that was going to be my journey. The company started talking to me about testing options if the third time didn’t work. There would be certain tests that they would want to do just to make sure that we weren’t doing these procedures for no reason if I wasn’t able to get pregnant. This made me quite nervous but still super hopeful going into the third round. When I found out that the third round took I was just amazed and felt so blessed. Then this brought on a whole new set of nerves.

Melissa is currently pregnant with TWINS!!!!! Her little princesses are such a blessing to her and they have no idea the amount of love they will receive from her!!!

Bleeding is typically a normal thing for pregnancy. It means that your little has attached to you! Which is a great feeling…but it’s also nerve wrecking because it could mean anything else…miscarriage, ectopic, etc. The last story I’m going to share with you is a tragic and beautiful story of hope. My friend Brittany has had her share of troubles. This is her story:

The story of our loss-

After trying to convince for just over 3 years, my husband and I were thrilled to find out we were pregnant on September 22, 2017. The excitement and joy were overwhelming. We were lucky enough to know at 12 weeks that we would be having a boy. Everything seemed to be going great. We were all set to go to our 20 week anatomy scan on December 21, 2017. My husband and I waited patiently for the ultrasound technician to tell us how our little peanut was doing.

When she stepped out of the room ‘to speak with the doctor’ my heart filled with worry.

When the doctor and technician returned, the doctor told us that no heartbeat could be found. We had lost our son.

We were told to take our time, go home to pack a bag, and return to labor and delivery.

We returned that evening to deliver our sleeping angel. I was induced from 7pm December 21st- December 23rd at 3pm.

Our son was born on December 23rd, 2017 at 5:27 pm. My husband’s birthday is 5/27. For a moment my heart smiled. We spent the next 15 hours with our baby. It was the most difficult thing either of us have ever experienced in life.

6 months later, I became pregnant again.

I am now 10 weeks away from meeting our daughter. I am filled with joy, excitement, fear, and every other emotion know to mankind.

I share this story hoping that other angel moms and dads continue to have hope.

If you keep your spirits high, like the sun in the sky on a rainy day, there is a rainbow after every storm.

Pass the tissues please. Mamas, do not give up hope!!! Keep as calm as possible, pray, meditate, do whatever you have to do! If you are having trouble getting pregnant, you are not alone. If you’ve lost 1, 2, 5 or 7 babies, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Keep calm also and surround yourself with a support system! Join Facebook groups, follow instagram pages, look into support group meetings in your local city! Yes, we are living in a world where pregnancy is held up on this pedestal where nothing bad happens…but that’s not the case. We have sisters out there and we are not alone!

So sorry it’s taken so long to post this one!!! Please make sure you sign up for emails so you get the blogs directly to your inbox! Also, follow me on Instagram! Love you mamas! 💋