I’ve been told plenty of times that I’m not a real mom yet, or my personal favorite “you wouldn’t understand, you’re not a mom”. First of all, thanks for the reminder that my child has passed away before I got to know him. Second, they are wrong. I was pregnant with a child who had a heartbeat at the time of my surgery. A living child. Who, unfortunately, got stuck in my fallopian tube and it started a domino effect that could’ve lead to my death. He died the moment we were separated. Waking up from that surgery and feeling no life inside me…the worst moment for me. And that moment lives with me daily. Every time I wake up, I wish for some form of life inside me. Do not tell me I am not a mother. Yes, I may not have the experience of raising a child (another painful reminder) but I’ve been paying attention to the parents around me and the way I was raised, and I know how I want to raise my children in the future. I am still a mother. My child just lives in Heaven.
I’ve never talked about this next part, except to my wife. It’s strange and you may not believe it but I truly believe it. I am a part of a private, spiritual group on facebook and I talked about Samuel this 1 time. Just explained that I lost my child due to an ectopic pregnancy and I hope that this child knows I love them. I didn’t use any pronouns or his name because I don’t know these people and the last thing I need is to be preyed on. This woman sent me a private message and started talking about my boy. My mind is swirling. How can she know that my child was a son? Maybe she found my blog and reads it? Nope, she got PERSONAL! She told me that my son is always around me in spirit and that the little voice I heard for weeks after losing him was in fact him trying to tell me he loves me and he knows I love him. I broke down. No one knows about that part of my experience. For weeks, I kept hearing this voice of a child, maybe 3 or 4 years old and this child was a boy and he kept saying “mommy”. It messed with me and still does to this day. Anyway, I know shes not full of smoke because again…how could she know that I heard this voice? She and I talked a little more about how even though my son isn’t here physically, I am still his mother. And no one gets the power to take that away from me.
How powerful is that? No one gets the power to take that away from me. From anyone! I’ll be the first to admit, part of the reason I stopped blogging is because I was told too many times that my pregnancy didn’t count or that I am not a mother or that I don’t understand. I gave too many people, including those close to me, that power to tell me. I’m DONE with all that! I understand that some people may not understand what I’ve been through or what anyone who has experienced pregnancy loss has been through, but who gives them the right to tell us any different? Just something to think about from both perspectives.
I had mentioned in my last blog I would let you all know what my decision is for IVF. We absolutely will be doing IVF this year, just after my 30th birthday in September. My body has been through hell with all the hormones and heartbreak over the past almost 2 years. I need to take care of my body better. Also we need to save up some money for a couple of rounds just in case it doesn’t take in the first round. I still want to be pregnant now but I know my body and I know I need to be in the best place and shape possible before I can get pregnant again.
I recently started seeing a new psychiatrist who specializes in pregnancy loss. She put me on Lamictol just last week and I already can tell a difference. It’s so awesome!I still have my manic moments but they are not nearly as bad as they have been. The depression is pretty much managed. And the best part is I can continue to take this while I’m pregnant! A lot of weight is off my shoulders because of this medication. Mental health, check. Next is physical health!