Holly Jolly crap
I have had a really stressful November. We got all moved into our new home, went and visited my dad and family in Aurora, Colorado and managed to come home, finish unpacking and decorating for every day life AND went ahead and decorated for Christmas. As you guys know by now, I am a busy person. When I’m not busy, I feel like I’m wasting opportunities. Well…let me tell you what happened the week before Thanksgiving and the week of:
I had an ultrasound appointment set up to make sure that my left ovary was prepared to drop an egg! I always am prepared for the worst but hope for the best. At this point in the journey, that’s really all you can do. I go in, and they checked and OF COURSE I’m ovulating on my right side instead of the left. I feel so defeated and like I failed again. The entire ride home was a nightmare. I kept thinking all these different scenarios and what-ifs while stuck on highway 270 rush hour traffic. Not the best place to be…and I just wanna cry. But I’m not gonna cry because, ya know, I’m a strong woman. I bottle it up and just push forward, like always. We had some sewer repairs done the next day and it wasn’t completed until the following Monday. So I’m starting to stress because we host Friendsgiving every year and I only have a few days to put my floor back together! And I’m running out of time! I wake up that Wednesday and start out by attempting to put the floor back together. The cement was poured 3/4 of an inch too high and now my boards won’t fit. And I have a party starting in 7 hours. Full panic attack. I’m crying, I can’t breathe, my floor is messed up, my body is a piece of shit, we have a party to host, we are not ready. My brain will not stop. Below…is a picture I took of myself in the middle of this panic attack:
It’s not my most glamorous photo but this is me, raw. 2 hours of a panic attack that I could not come out of. This is who hides behind the mask of happiness and care-free. This is Hannah.
I recently posted on Facebook a long status explaining my hurt and how living with bipolar disorder is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to live with. It’s taken me 2 weeks to post this because I’m not a vulnerable person. I have my guard up and I have my walls built thick. I have been hurt far too much in my life…and it’s time to be a little more open about it all. You all have been so sweet with your words of encouragement and thoughts and prayers. They mean so much to me. I am working on myself everyday to pull myself out of this funk. It’ll happen…it just might be after the holidays. And that’s ok.