Hiatus

photo of orange yellow and red hello molding clay

New Phone, Who Dis?

Hey guys! It’s been a minute! Got a lot to cover so sit tight! The last time I wrote, we were preparing to take a much needed vacation to Florida to see my dads side of the family. Seeing family, hearing the ocean and even feeling the waves bitch-slap me across my chest and face before being dragged under…I survived. The Air BNB we stayed at was super cute! Minutes away from the beach, the owner was this super cool chick who gave us a little history on the house we were staying in. It’s haunted by the lady who use to live there and her children! Slightly terrifying but also slightly cool. You could hear little feet running up above us in an area that doesn’t have guests stay! When we got home at the end of the week, I was ready to start the process over. I felt good, I was a little nervous but excited. We went in, everything looked good…and it didn’t take. That’s when the depression really started. I started really hating going to the salon. I loved the girls and my clients and what I could do for them but there was also this deep rooted hatred and I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I started to think about the girls in my former salon and how there was a lot of hurt and anger there that never really healed and that became a focal point for me. I turned back into this monster I was the year before and my anger started to really spiral out of control. I hated who I was becoming; crying most nights after a shift at work, being exhausted all the time, my passion had fizzled out. After a very trying and emotional day in the salon, I decided to end my career. Maybe not forever, but I absolutely needed a mental health re-evaluation. My wife was the one who truly made the decision because I couldn’t make that decision. Since I was 14, I’ve had a job or 2. I’ve never been unemployed. The thought terrified me. But I knew, deep down, I needed a break if I was going to be trying for a family again. (I did however babysat for a little boy for a few months and he brought some joy into my life when I needed it!)

We had already agreed we would try again the following month of August…I wasn’t exactly excited because so far everything has been met with defeat. We go in and I FINALLY ovulated on my left side!! This is what we have been waiting for since I lost my right tube the year before!!! We come out of the room, super happy about this news…to find out I ovulated 4 days before and we missed our opportunity. They also noticed something in my ultrasound that didn’t look normal. They had noticed a little dot on the ultrasound back in January but it was so small, it had no significance. So no worries. Well according to the ultrasound tech, it had grown over 1 centimeter since my ultrasound in July. That’s concerning.

My OBGYN got me in as soon as he could for a few samples and tests and ultrasounds. At my follow up appointment, he told me I had a polyp and it needed to be removed before we continued the process. My face was just my normal RBF and expresses no emotion, but on the inside I’m rolling my eyes and screaming “WHYYYYY???” I hate surgery. I don’t like going to sleep and not remembering when I fell asleep and then waking up somewhere else. And in pain. The last time I felt that, I also woke up not pregnant anymore and my heart just burst all over again. Worst part? I have no choice. We want children so badly, I can’t not have the surgery. We set the date for the following month and then had a random hair up our butts and decided to sell the house. Because why the hell not??? We like to live in chaos and fly by the seat of our pants. Currently packing up our house and we move out in 3 days! Very exciting and very stressful but we are surviving this! I have a follow up appointment from my surgery in the morning. I have no concerns since they didn’t call me in earlier or anything. There’s always a chance but I have a good feeling about it.

That’s it. My life since May! I promise, I won’t leave y’all hanging like that again. I wasn’t feeling myself and I can’t write and not be myself. So stay tuned! I’m back and writing again!

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