Turning On The Light

albus qoute

 

The past few weeks have been exhausting. Experiencing everything from high anxiety to anger, uninterested to overthinking, etc. Attempting to be the happiest human in the world and smile daily is exhausting and quite annoying to be honest. I just wanna break down and have this massive melt down but I can’t. I haven’t fully grieved this loss. I have been very “busy”  by expanding my  reading list, making wreaths and trying to figure out what do I do now? The idea of trying again hurts my heart so much. And the idea of not hurts even more. I wake up daily, sick to my stomach. Knowing that twice now, I have to wake up without life inside of me. I haven’t adjusted yet and to be honest, I’m not sure I’ll ever adjust. I’ve lost interest in so many things that I enjoy doing; yoga, meditation, learning to play the guitar, etc. I just want an easy escape from this world and I cannot find it. If you’ve ever read Harry Potter or seen the movies, you’ll understand what I’m feeling; In Order Of The Phoenix, Professor Snape has to teach Harry how to block Voldemort from reading his mind, see his past and his present, Harry has a very hard time keeping both Snape and Voldemort out of his mind. It starts to drive him crazy and makes him very irritable. The constant battle of keeping someone out of your mind is exhausting. That is a daily battle I currently face. Scrolling through Facebook, seeing more and more pregnancy announcements and family photos with children…walking through Target and seeing a mother and daughter shopping. No matter how hard I try to keep these thoughts from flooding my mind…I can’t stop them. Unlike Harry though, I have the option to take a break. Being able to actually sit down and breathe without a laundry list of things I should or should not be doing…sounds lazy but Lord…I need it. Since January, I’ve taken hormones and gotten off them. My blood has been drawn too many times, the amount of ultrasounds and the pressing and the poking and the prodding…I feel more like an animal about to be butchered than a mother to be…

I know that in the end it will all be worth it. I know this. My wife knows this. My mental health is probably the most important thing right this moment. Already being bipolar and dealing with my “normal” brain on top of the up and downs that come with trying to conceive and having some troubles isn’t going to help. I feel like a break is the answer for right now. Once we return from our Florida trip in June, we will figure it out from there. I’m just tired of feeling pain and torment constantly and never getting relief from it. I’m searching for my light…once I find it, It’ll burn so brightly! I can only hope! 

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