I was listening to a podcast the other day about Pregnancy and Postpartum and something really stuck out to me. Daniela Kende, who is a holistic health coach and natural birthing expert, was talking about how she was completely open about her pregnancy early on. She said “I’m being open because if for some reason I lost the baby, I need support from people around me”. That really stuck with my wife and I. We’ve been so quiet about the possibilities since we lost Samuel because we didn’t want to hurt anymore than necessary. It makes sense; no one knows so it can’t hurt right? Until someone asks that dreaded question of “When are you two gonna have kids?”. I really hate that question, to be honest. It’s one thing to have a conversation about children and the possibility to have them and what the plans are but to just come out and say “when is it happening?” or “Isn’t it time you guys had kids?”. It’s just rude to ask like that. There are other ways you can bring up the topic without ignorance.
So our plan was to stay quiet until we hit 12 weeks, like most parents after a loss. After that podcast, it just left me thinking. I know a lot of people have come to know about our loss and have felt sympathy towards the situation. Forever grateful for you all who have stuck by our side and did all the wonderful gift drop offs and pre-made dinners and flowers, etc. The love was unreal. Let us pay it back by telling you all about the journey we are on! We have made the decision to be incredibly open about our journey from here on out!
Let me back up. It’s January 17, 2019 and we started the process for our little number 2 on January 15th. I went to Parints and had a vaginal ultrasound on day 3 of my cycle (it’s never my favorite day…), just to see if my body is having a good cycle to try again. To my surprise, my ovaries had 35 visible follicles on each side!!! That’s like quadruple the amount from last time! I’ve completed 1 of 2 blood work appointments this week and started taking my clomid and let me tell you…I HATE clomid! Its like hormonal torture and it feels like the 2nd longest week ever!!! I’m laying in bed and my ankles are on fire! Yes, I worked today BUT it’s not my entire foot…it’s the ankles. In reflexology, the ankles are connected to your sexual organs. When you’re about to start your cycle, about to give birth or like me, taking fertility medicine, your ankles swell up more! (Look at them next time Aunt Flo comes to visit! You’ll see what I mean!). January 24th, we had the IUI done. Jen, our IUI nurse, tells me to start taking progesterone 3 days later. I start taking those and I feel…nothing. Hormones are crazy as usual, it’s just something I’ve come to understand and deal with. But that feeling of “Omg I’m definitely pregnant” isn’t there. And there’s a reason; I wasn’t pregnant. Started my cycle and my heart broke a bit. But nevertheless, I pushed forward. We went in the following month and my left ovary wasn’t producing big enough follicles. And since I do not have a right tube, it’s a gamble because then we would have to hope that the left tube could swing over to the right ovary and collect the eggs. Too risky when you’re paying over $1,100 every time. So we had to push it back to March. My heart was so heavy. I just want to be a mom to a living child. Is that too much to ask??
Round 3 started March 13th with clomid…and of course I’m trying to remain perfectly calm, cool and collected. This round was a little difficult for me. I felt very stressed out and very spacey. I actually forgot like 3 days and have no memory of them. I have yet to find out if it’s related to clomid being administered so much.
March 23rd, we went in for an ultrasound and that pesky left side is FINALLY getting large enough follicles! We were told that Monday March 25th was our IUI day! Danielle gave me the trigger shot that night. It’s cold, thick and burns every time I get it done. The one thing this whole process has opened my eyes to is that fertility treatments are anything but fun! We go in that Monday morning and this IUI procedure was very similar to the first round when we got pregnant with Samuel. It wasn’t easy and it was actually painful and uncomfortable. Did I go home afterwards? No…we went and bought a new car instead! We figured well we’ve been relaxed every time…let’s try something different. Let’s just go about our day like nothing big has happened!
2 Week Wait.
April 8th is our test date. I’m a little nervous but that’s to be expected. Lots of “what if’s” floating around the brain. Trying to limit the amount of stress is a lot harder than necessary right now, which is why I tend to become a hermit and recluse inside the safety of my own home and lock the doors. We are down to 1 week left until we know for sure if I’m pregnant. I’m not going to say if I feel like it or not because I can never tell. It’s either a baby implanting or a fart! Won’t be 100% sure until that test pops a “Positive”. And if it doesn’t, I’m not gonna lie or sugar coat it, I’m gonna be really friggin upset. It’s a very tiring job, physically, hormonally and emotionally. I know the moms out there who have been down this road understand what I mean. My favorite quote to describe this feeling comes from Bilbo Baggins in Lord Of The Rings. He’s explaining how he feels since he received the Ring and he said “I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread”. I feel like my brain is stretched so thin.
Just keep us in your thoughts, vibes, prayers and crystal circles while we continue this journey. I will be posting another blog next week to inform you guys of what that test says! Fingers crossed for a “Positive”! Thanks for letting me be open!