Holidays and Hard Days

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays…

Hello my friends! I hope you are having a wonderful Christmas and that your heart is full, warm and and happy! I’m struggling this holiday BIG TIME! With the due date quickly approaching, all I can think about is “Well I could’ve had my water break now…or even last week…”. It’s this torturous cycle of sadness, anger, anxiety and then optimism. What in the actual hell? Can I just have 2 emotions; happy or sad? Everything else is really unnecessary

I have recently discovered that my body is acting SUPER weird. I get random belly aches and sharp pains, hip pains and joint pains. I lost my right fallopian tube in surgery and I get super intense pains just on that side. I read somewhere that your body can still react as if you’re having a baby. Kinda like a phantom pain? Super weird considering I’ve never given birth to a child before and I have no idea what it feel likes…so why is my body acting this way? A week from the due date? Clearly my body is confused and that makes my emotions go even crazier. So many unanswered questions flying around in my head. And I manage to keep a smile on my face in public…so many of us are so confused and just exhausted from trying to function in society. And the honest truth is…holidays are the worst. I’m learning to be gentle with myself during this time frame. One thing that has surprisingly helped was a prayer I said to our son. I wrote it out one day and kept it on my phone just so I could read it when I needed to. I want to share with you a little piece of my feelings so I’m posting my prayer right down there ⬇️. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and if you know someone going through a loss of any kind, check in on them. Today might not be a joyous for them.

Much love 🖤

Dear Samuel,

Merry Christmas my little angel!

December 31, 2018 you were to be born into this world. You would’ve been born into love, a family, a home. But unfortunately, we only had you for a few weeks. You had a heartbeat, I could feel you, I fell in love with you instantly. You gave me a whole new reason to live and a drive to be a better person. The hurt and pain I felt when I woke up and you were gone, I couldn’t stop thinking I hurt you. I abandoned you. I couldn’t protect you. I tried to give you life, and I failed you.

Your mother and I love you more than you will ever know. Even while we are grieving, we feel your presence with us. We see you in the clouds, we feel you in the wind, we hear you in a song. We long for you to be with us especially during this time. So close to the day you were suppose to be born.

We know you are in heaven with Jesus, some of our friends, your 4 legged brother and both of your great grandpas and great grandma. We hope you love them as much as they love you. Keep watch over us little one. We will see you one day!

Love always,

Your mommies xoxo

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