I hope you are all having a stress free week! I know you’re probably doing some Christmas shopping but I hope you found a way to de-stress!
I’m not a big party animal at all. I prefer to sit at home, chill out under a big fleece blanket and just watch tv or read a book. My wife loves parties! She loves to play and sing and have a good time! I truly love that about her! I tease and call her the fun one out of us, because I’m such a homebody. I have zero shame with my grandma lifestyle. There is always 1 party that I do love throwing and that’s Friendsgiving! Having some friends over, eating some good food (non traditional thanksgiving food!) and just enjoying each other’s company? My favorite night! And if you’re lucky, I may divulge into a bottle (or 2!) of wine! Doesn’t happen often, so don’t get too excited! Something about being surrounded by loved ones makes you feel safe, warm. And sometimes when you’re dealing with loss, you feel cold and alone.
2018 was suppose to be the year we were going to be having Friendsgiving while I was 8 months pregnant. I’m very saddened and a little troubled by having that holiday go by and I was not 8 months pregnant…Now we are 2 weeks from Christmas and 3 weeks from our due date. My anxiety is way high! I cannot stop cleaning, I cannot stop re-organizing, I cannot sit still! I wish I could say “I meditated, I did 30 minutes of yoga, I practiced hygge! I am happy and nothing bothers me!” But that’s a complete lie. Yes, those things bring me joy, and teaches me how to deal with my problems in a more peaceful setting. But it doesn’t take away the pain and the anguish. Nothing can really take that away. And i haven’t come to terms with the forever part of this pain.
Maybe once we pass December 31st and we start the new year, I’ll be in a better spot. Maybe not. I’ve never actually passed a due date before of an angel baby. Will I be fine? Will I be a mess? Will I be mean? It’s moments like these I wish God would just say “hey, chill. You’re gonna go through that day just fine!”
Calming the storm
While I was scrolling through Pinterest this week, I came across a quote and it really spoke to me; “Stop trying to calm the storm. Calm yourself, the storm will pass”. Losing Samuel is my storm and is out of my control. Not losing myself is something I can control. And I never thought about it that way. It’s kinda like when there is a tornado warning outside and the wind and rain is going insane but you know how to protect your family and yourself by going into the basement or the cellar or wherever your safe place is.
Now, I’m just gonna be real, that sh*t is hard to remember! I can’t scroll through Facebook or Instagram and not get super sad or mad by seeing a happy pregnancy post. It’s nothing personal. It’s more of a jealousy thing and I’m learning that it’s ok to have that emotion. It’s not ok to act on that emotion and create chaos. I am guilty of being in the middle of chaos and I am guilty of creating chaos to a certain degree, as a distraction. It’s just not healthy. All that does, is create more hurt and more pain than necessary.
Mamas, I just want you all to know that the storm is big and the storm is scary and sometimes it feels like it’s too much. Do not let that storm take you. Find yourself and heal yourself. Take a break. Do something that makes you smile. Surround yourself with your support system and just let go. My wife’s work is throwing a Christmas party this weekend and I’m getting all dressed up to go and just have fun. Drinking a little wine (not too much just in case I get sad…) and meet new people. It might make me exhausted, being extroverted, it might overwhelm me. But, I can look back and say, I did it. I got out in this storm and I survived. You can survive too mama. This Christmas season is just a storm. Calm yourself so you can brave your storm. 🖤